dumbass brother. this kid needs to learn to study for tests, finish his projects on time, AND STOP FUCKING LYING. HE FUCKING FORGES EVERY TEST UNDER 90%. first he says he lets our dad sign it. then when the teacher takes out the test, my mom is 10000% sure that she hasnt signed those 65s. my…
I suffer in silence. I don’t cry in front of people. I can smile despite how shitty things are. I will always put you before me. I leave my phone on at night just in case someone needs me. It’s because I love everyone else more than I could ever love myself. What can I say, I’m just a fuck up with a good heart.
"Friends were meant to be lifelong, but you need to work hard to keep them; Relationships can be strong and bonds unbreakable, but fragile and weak at times; but if you believe, try with your might to keep them friends, they shall stand by you forever." ~ A very wise man
I really shouldn’t drown myself in self pity anymore. Case One: What’s happened has happened and even though he hates me now, there’s nothing I can do. I can’t go back to the past and change everything so that he still loves me. There’s nothing more I can do from here. He hates me and he just does. I pity myself for losing him but whatever. I know that my friends have more important things going on so I have to forget everything that’s messing me up. I want to help them because I just love them too much to not. But in order to do that I have to forget. Case Two: I have to stop pitying myself because I didn’t get into Stuy. Yes, I’m tortured. Yes, I hate that I didn’t get in. Yes, I think I’m so very stupid for missing the cutoff by so little. Yes, I hate that I don’t see anyone. (I should stop listing stuff now.) But in the end, I’ve become someone I’m not. I’ve become so obsessed about where I go to school that I’ve forgotten everything that I’ve come to learn. I love my friends more than anything. But I’ve come to the point where I’ve tried to separate us and in some cases, I managed to separate us. But can schools really separate us? A very wise man once told me that. “Friends were meant to be lifelong, but you need to work hard to keep them; Relationships can be strong and bonds unbreakable, but fragile and weak at times; but if you believe, try with your might to keep them friends, they shall stand by you forever.” So, maybe the reason that everything ended was because I didn’t try hard enough and tried to break the bonds when it was at it’s fragilest. Who knows? But what am I supposed to do now…?
Today's the last day for a while, gots lots of brain to catch up on :)
Note: I really don’t expect anyone to read this rant-ish thing in full :D.
Haha, yesterday was the sixth month anniversary. This time has pretty much went by fast. From pouring my heart out about everything and from even etting advice. But yesterday aside from being my 6th month, some traumatizing things happened. I was really upset yesterday and there was nothing to help. Thank goodness for all the manga and music in the world to keep me in tact :). I praise the inventors of the mangakas that wrote some of the mangas I read yesterday and the artists of all the songs I wrote yesterday oh yes and definitely the invention of headphones :). Truthfully these six months have been filled with some of the weirdest things happening. From being yelled at, comforted, playing games and even reblogging like an addict (as you see, I’ve stopped now, don’t know why though). But I’ve really discovered something yesterday in my mood of depression. I really like being alone sometimes in my own world and afraid from the good, the bad, the ugly, the pretty, the excitement and more. It feels bad to stop updating everyday because it sort of became a habit but I’ll update occasionally. But I have to find out who I really want to be as time goes on. Because I’m seriously going crazy. I’m doing things that I would never have done and even I’m getting freaked out.
I really feel like I’m running away again because I always do, but hopefully, this time I’ll be back to face everyone. Of course, I’ll still be using my Tumblr though :)
I’m a person who no one really knows. Someone who’s really scared to face life and it’s realities. Someone who really doesn’t want to hide but hides anyway. Someone who is afraid of people who she TRULY is. I’m someone who doesn’t think that I’m good enough for anything. I’m insecure, I’m annoying, I’m reckless and I’m stupid. But that’s just me. It’s who I am and I’m not going to change that. I hate hiding who I am but it’s what makes me, me. Having some parts that no one knows about.
The second : You're not stupid even though you didn't get into Stuy.
Okay, I swear, this speech made me feel even worse. I mean this happens all the time. I feel stupid, I JUST DO. I CAN’T STOP IT. Yeah. So yeah. So many new additions though. I should get a social worker apparently and/or a therapist. And then some other things. Oh, and that year there were more people so the competition was greater. I swear that just made me feel stupider and stupider. And the list goes on.
heheh BR0SKI <3
i'm sorry i can't go on aim right now. currently on a aim/fb ban to prevent being distracted from hw. ):
=.= go on tomorrow at like 11? to find out if i get in or not? well if i do get results morrow. and oh well whatever. you’ll find out when everyone else does? ohh and im waiting for sindy tomorrow supposedly so yeah. good nights <3